Westside Today Articles
Goin’ Postal, 90049
By Molly-Ann Leikin
The Brentwood Post Office on Barrington has been privatized. I won it in a crap game.
Starting next week, I will be open 24/7, with valet parking. There will be a two-tiered line system. For the first, you take a number. For the second, numbers are called as they are in Bingo.
Rather than texting rants about how few windows are staffed, you will distracted by rotating, volunteer, local gourmet chefs serving finger food, with selections from the four nutritional groups: Snickers, Snickers, Snickers and gum. Inventors and scholars from all disciplines who are campaigning for stamphood when they die, will work the crowd, chatting it up, while Postal Guests mark their ballots.
To keep assault weapons off the premises, celebs in our zip code ordered to do community service, will act like airport screeners. While the practice might initially seem invasive to one’s privacy, we can only pray that Colin Firth blows off traffic school and is assigned to 90049.
Outside, my people will not cite pet owners for leaving poop on the grounds, but will simply spray animal droppings with Bye Bye Do Do, which, according to my patent, makes fecal waste disintegrate and disappear.
With the money I’m saving on not having to dispense combat pay to my workers, I will be able to redecorate and landscape, making the mailing of your tax returns a destination event.
My next community project is Adopt-a-Pot-Hole.